Is He an Alpha Male... or Are You Divorcing a Narcissist in Disguise?
Why the difference matters—especially in women’s divorce.
When you’re going through a divorce, you start to question everything—including who your soon-to-be-ex really is.
Maybe you thought he was a bold, confident provider. A take-charge kind of guy. Someone who always got things done and wasn’t afraid to speak his mind.
But now? You’re not so sure, because throughout your divorce, he’s been…
Gaslighting you in mediation.
Stonewalling discovery.
Acting like every dollar in the bank is his.
And somehow, even when he’s lying or being completely unreasonable, he still manages to sound smooth, calm, and in control. Meanwhile, you’re left feeling like the "emotional one" just for advocating for what’s fair.
So here’s the million-dollar question: Is he a confident alpha male? Or are you divorcing a narcissist disguised in a Patagonia vest?
It’s one of the most important divorce tips for women—understanding who you’re really up against.
I’m Rhonda Noordyk, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® and your unwavering Divorce Financial Advocate. I help women take control of their financial future, especially when the stakes are high and the relationship dynamics are—well, complicated.
Welcome to the channel where we talk about real divorce strategies for real women—no sugarcoating, no shame. Just clear guidance, expert advice, and a whole lot of empowerment.
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In this article, I’m breaking down the subtle but crucial differences between alpha males and narcissists—because yes, they can both seem confident, charming, and in control.
But one will support you… and the other will slowly dismantle your sense of self-worth. 😳
By the end of this article, you’ll know exactly what red flags to watch for, how to spot healthy leadership versus manipulative control—and what to do if you're starting to realize you're not just dealing with a strong personality, but a full-blown narcissist.
And no, you’re not crazy.
So, let’s break it down—with your sanity (and your divorce settlement) in mind.
First: What’s the difference?
Judge Anthony wrote a phenomenal article on this exact topic—Alpha Male vs. Narcissist: How to Spot the Difference—and it’s one I often reference when I’m sharing divorce tips for women navigating complex dynamics. I highly recommend giving it a read. He lays out the key differences between confident leaders and manipulative abusers.
The short version?
Alpha males lead with strength, empathy, and responsibility.
Narcissists lead with ego, control, and exploitation.
Both can be charming. Both can be articulate. And both might look the same on the surface.
But in women’s divorce? The impact couldn’t be more different.
1. Alpha males use their power to protect. Narcissists use it to punish.
Alpha males don’t have to dominate to feel powerful. Their confidence comes from within, not from making you small. A true alpha will:
Encourage you to find your voice.
Respect your decisions, even if he disagrees.
Show up for the hard conversations without blaming or shaming.
A narcissist, on the other hand?
Plays the victim while manipulating the facts.
Uses money, custody, or information as weapons.
Belittles or dismisses your concerns with a smile.
If you’re being punished for advocating for yourself, you’re not dealing with an alpha. You’re dealing with someone who needs control more than connection.
Related: Financial Infidelity and Divorce: What to Do If Your Ex Has Been Hiding Money
2. Alpha males take responsibility. Narcissists take credit.
Alpha males are secure enough to own their mistakes. They might be firm, but they’re also fair.
Narcissists? Not so much. They will:
Rewrite history to make themselves look good.
Blame you (or your "emotions") for any conflict.
Take credit for compromises you had to fight tooth and nail for.
If he’s spinning a narrative where he’s the hero and you’re the unstable one? That’s a red flag—not leadership.
3. Alpha males honor boundaries. Narcissists bulldoze them.
You know you’re divorcing an alpha male when he respects the process—even if he’s frustrated by it.
You know you’re divorcing a narcissist when:
He hides financial documents (then accuses you of being difficult).
He shows up with surprise tactics in mediation.
He keeps pushing your buttons just to make you look reactive.
If you’ve started to doubt your own memory, reactions, or worth—that’s not because you’re fragile. That’s what gaslighting does. And it’s a key sign of narcissistic behavior.
If you’re divorcing a narcissist, what can you do about it?
Here’s what I want you to know: If you suspect you need to divorce a narcissist, the strategy must change. You need:
A paper trail. Keep everything in writing. Yes, even the stuff that feels petty. Assume every conversation may be used later and protect yourself by keeping receipts.
A solid financial plan. Narcissists love to financially destabilize their partners—it’s one of their favorite control tactics. You need clarity, strategy, and safeguards to protect your future.
A team of professionals who get it. Not just any attorney or mediator. You need true advocates who see the behavior for what it is and won’t push you to "just be amicable. That’s why I built the National Resource Directory—a curated network of vetted, women-first divorce experts who will actually advocate for you. No guesswork. No Googling at 2am. Just trusted support, ready when you are.
And above all? You need clarity. Because once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And that awareness is your power.
Related: Divorcing a Narcissist: How to Flip the Script on Disney Dads and Create Joy for Your Kids
Women’s Divorce: Let’s make sure you’re not doing this alone.
I’ve helped hundreds of women identify financial manipulation and build airtight divorce strategies—even when their spouse looked squeaky clean on paper.
If you’re feeling unsure, overwhelmed, or like something just isn’t adding up? Start with my FREE mini-course: 6 Proven Steps to Advocate for a Fair Divorce Settlement.
It’ll give you the knowledge you need to:
Ask better questions
Spot financial red flags
Stand your ground without getting steamrolled
Divorce a narcissist with your head held high and your sanity intact
🌟 Get INSTANT access to the free mini-course here!
Bottom line? Whether he’s an alpha male or you’re divorcing a narcissist in disguise—your job is the same: Protect your future.
If you’ve been second-guessing yourself, wondering whether you’re just being “too sensitive” or if something actually feels off—I want you to trust your gut. You deserve clarity, support, and a team that truly has your back. 💛
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And be sure to catch the next article, where I’m sharing 3 things your divorce attorney doesn’t want you to know. It’s everything I wish women knew before stepping into that attorney’s office—so you can walk in confident, not confused.
Until then, stay strong, stay savvy—and know I’m rooting for you!