Tips for Divorce (Women Only): Where to Start When Your Partner Controlled the Money
You open the banking app, and the first thing you notice is a transfer you didn’t authorize.
Then another.
Then an account you’ve never seen before.
You try logging into the credit card portal—the password suddenly doesn’t work.
The retirement account? Locked.
You’re in the early stages of divorce: women tell me this moment feels like standing in a house you’ve lived in for years, only to realize half the doors are now nailed shut.
If that’s you right now, you’re in the right place.
I’m Rhonda Noordyk, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst®, Certified Divorce Specialist®, and fierce advocate for women. For the past decade, my mission has been to help women like you step out of financial confusion and into clarity—especially if your partner handled the money or kept you at arm’s length from the numbers.
Welcome to Disrupting Divorce: Conversations for Women—the women’s divorce podcast where we name the things no one else says out loud, acknowledge what you’re really navigating behind the scenes (no, you’re not imagining it), and walk you through the strategies that actually protect your financial future.
Today, we’re tackling one of the most common questions I hear from women in both everyday and high net worth divorce situations:
“Where should I start if my partner controlled the money?”
By the end of this, you’ll understand:
→ Why the overwhelm you’re feeling isn’t a personal failure
→ How financial conditioning trains women to step back from money
→ What financial control looks like in real life
→ And the first clear step that sets everything else in motion
Let’s dive in.
In divorce, women aren’t actually “bad with money.” They’re strategically shut out.
Most women don’t just shrug and say, “Sure, honey, you take care of everything.” They get eased into it—gently, convincingly, over years.
It starts with comments that sound helpful:
“You’ve already got your hands full with the kids.”
“I’ve got a degree in finance—let me take this off your plate.”
“This stuff is complicated. I’ll explain it later.”
Then the “later” never comes.
At first, it feels like teamwork. But what looks like help slowly morphs into control:
Your partner “forgetting” to add you as a joint account holder.
Getting an allowance from your own household income.
Having to “justify” personal spending, even when you earn your own paycheck.
Then the exclusion becomes part of the daily routine:
You stop seeing statements.
Decisions get made, and you’re told after the fact.
You’re “protected” from the details that directly impact your future.
Questions are brushed aside with a laugh or a sigh.
You start second-guessing whether you’re even allowed to ask.
In many high net worth divorce cases, especially involving doctors, executives, or business owners, a partner’s “I’ve got it handled” often translates to “I’ve kept it hidden.”
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward reclaiming control. And unfortunately, divorce is often the moment women finally see the pattern clearly:
You weren’t being supported. You were being sidelined.
Let’s be clear: this is conditioning.
In divorce, women have been told for generations that speaking up about money was ungrateful, unfeminine, or “starting an argument.” So if you feel anxious about stepping into financial decisions now, please hear this:
That anxiety was trained into you. And you can unlearn it. 💪
📖 RELATED: If any of this is bringing up moments where you were shut out of the financial decisions, you’ll want to read this article, too: Divorce a Narcissist: 6 Things Your Ex is Hoping You Don’t Know About Divorce Finances, a clear breakdown of the financial blind spots many women face—and how to protect yourself before those gaps cost you.
Divorce Attorney and Beyond: Why You Need a Team, Not Just a Lawyer
If your ex—or soon-to-be-ex—was the “financial expert,” your next move is to bring in your own.
Here’s who you’ll want in your corner:
1. A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® (CDFA®)
A CDFA® is trained to bridge the gap between your legal strategy and the actual numbers. We help you:
Uncover missing information and understand the full picture.
Analyze settlement offers before you sign anything.
Project how different scenarios affect your future cash flow.
Work alongside your divorce attorney to make sure every number adds up to a life you can actually afford.
A CDFA® doesn’t replace your attorney. We strengthen your attorney’s case with facts, data, and foresight.
2. A Divorce Attorney Who Actually Listens
The right divorce attorney collaborates with financial experts, explains your options clearly, and never makes you feel like your questions are inconvenient.
3. An Emotional Support System
Financial advocacy is powerful, but emotional support keeps you grounded. Whether it’s therapy, coaching, or a close friend who “gets it,” surround yourself with people who remind you that you’re not crazy for asking questions.
Support is a strategy.
📖 RELATED: Not sure whether you need a “divorce financial advisor” or something more specialized? Read Searching for a Divorce Financial Advisor? Here’s What Most Women Don’t Know (and Who You Actually Need) to understand exactly why a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® is often the missing piece on your team.
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst Insight: Start by Getting Oriented, Not Overwhelmed
When you’ve been shut out of the finances, the idea of “getting organized” can feel impossible.
That’s exactly why working with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® (CDFA®) is so powerful. My approach as a CDFA®? Before we ever talk strategy or settlement, we start with the same first step:
Get oriented. Not overwhelmed.
You don’t need full access to every account yet. You don’t need every document. You don’t need to solve the entire puzzle today. You simply need to begin gathering information—even small pieces.
1. Collect What You Can Access
Log in to joint accounts.
Screenshot balances and recent activity.
Pull your credit report—it often reveals accounts you didn’t know existed.
Even partial information is valuable.
2. Make a List of What You Don’t Know
Think of this as your “orientation checklist,” not a test you’re supposed to pass:
What retirement accounts exist?
What loans, credit cards, or debts are out there?
Are there bonuses, RSUs, commissions, or business interests?
Are there accounts you’ve never been added to?
3. Document Everything
Keep a simple spreadsheet or folder (digital or printed) for financial records. Dates, amounts, account types, whatever you can gather. Remember: every little bit helps strengthen your settlement.
📖 RELATED: Preparing quietly? Check out Divorce Checklist for Moms: What to Do Before You Leave (and What Can Wait) for a step-by-step rundown of what to gather, what can wait, and how to prep without setting off alarms.
This is the Real Work of Divorce: Women Unlearning the Old Rules
You don’t have to turn into a financial expert. But you do have to start questioning the messages you’ve been handed—sometimes for decades.
Old rule: “He’s better at this stuff.”
New truth: “I’m capable of understanding the information that affects my life.”
Old rule: “It’s better to let him handle it.”
New truth: “Letting someone manage the money shouldn’t mean losing access to it.”
Old rule: “I shouldn’t rock the boat.”
New truth: “The boat’s already rocking. I’m just learning how to steer.”
These shifts aren’t loud or dramatic. They’re quiet, steady moments where you calmly choose clarity over conditioning—one question, one document, one conversation at a time.
Your First Step Starts Here (And It’s Simpler Than You Think)
When everything feels big and overwhelming, it’s easy to think you need a full plan, a full strategy, and every document lined up before you begin.
You don’t.
You just need one clear first step—something that gives you traction instead of spinning in circles.
That’s why I created my free mini-course, 6 Proven Steps to Advocate for a Fair Financial Divorce Settlement. It’s the exact starting point I use with my private clients who are in the thick of divorce: women who feel shut out of the money or unsure what to ask for.
Inside, you’ll learn how to:
✅ Spot manipulation in financial disclosures
✅ Build your advocacy team the right way (CDFA® + divorce attorney + more)
✅ Ask sharper questions that lead to real answers
✅ Protect your assets without sacrificing your peace or your kids’ stability
🎓 Get instant access HERE !
Before You Go…
If today’s conversation helped you feel seen, grounded, or even just a little less overwhelmed, stay tuned—there’s so much more on Disrupting Divorce: Conversations for Women.
Make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss upcoming episodes on divorce: women navigating financial decisions, building the right support team, and finding a calmer path forward.
Every week, I’m sharing practical guidance from my work as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst®—the same insight I use with women walking through this in real time.
I’m Rhonda Noordyk, and thanks for being here today. Take good care of yourself, and I’ll see you next time. 💛