Coercive Control: Breaking Free From Financial Abuse in Marriage
Are you feeling trapped in a cycle of coercive control?
Today, I’m highlighting an episode from my podcast, Disrupting Divorce: Conversations for Women. In Episode 137, I had the honor of chatting with Christine Cocchiola, a phenomenal advocate, educator, and researcher in the realm of coercive control and financial abuse in marriage.
Whether you’re currently navigating the tumultuous waters of divorce or seeking to understand the nuances of coercive control, this episode is packed with practical advice and heartfelt encouragement.
Understanding Coercive Control
Coercive control is a form of abuse that often flies under the radar. Unlike physical abuse, which leaves visible marks, coercive control is insidious and can subtly infiltrate every aspect of your life. Christine explains that this form of abuse can include financial manipulation, emotional blackmail, and various controlling behaviors designed to undermine your autonomy.
Christine, a college educator and clinician in social work, is not only an expert in this area but also a survivor. She dedicates her work to supporting protective parents leaving abusive relationships and helping them navigate the complexities of post-separation abuse. Christine's insights are both deeply personal and professionally profound.
The Many Faces of Financial Abuse in Marriage
One of the key points Christine made was the multifaceted nature of financial abuse. It's not just about withholding money or restricting access to funds. It can also involve tactics like:
Sabotaging your ability to work
Controlling how money is spent
Putting you on a strict allowance
In her personal story, Christine shared how she was forced to work multiple jobs to make ends meet while her partner controlled their finances.
PRACTICAL TIP:
If you find yourself in this situation, consider discreetly setting aside money whenever you can. This could mean overestimating grocery costs or finding other creative ways to save. Just be cautious, as your phone, car, and computer might be monitored.
Related: Financial Abuse in Marriage: Recognizing the Signs and How it May Impact Your Divorce
The Importance of Legal Support When Leaving Abusive Marriage
Another critical piece of advice Christine offered is to be strategic when selecting an attorney. She emphasized the need to find a lawyer who understands coercive control and can effectively advocate for you. Her personal experience taught her—the hard way—that choosing the wrong attorney can lead to devastating outcomes.
PRACTICAL TIP:
Interview multiple attorneys before making a decision. Look for someone who not only has a strong legal track record but also understands the nuances of domestic abuse and coercive control.
Not sure where to find a good attorney?
I’ve got you covered.
My National Resource Directory is full of top-notch divorce professionals who have a track record of advocating for women. Access the directory here!
Coercive Control: Emotional and Psychological Tactics
Christine also discussed the psychological impact of coercive control. Victims often gaslight themselves, downplaying their experiences and questioning their sanity. She suggested practical strategies like audio recording arguments (safely and discreetly) to gain clarity on what's happening. This can help you see the situation more objectively and affirm that it's not "just in your head."
PRACTICAL TIP:
Keep a daily journal of any abusive incidents. Writing things down helps process your experiences and provides a clear record that can be useful if you ever need to take legal action.
Related: Divorce a Narcissist: Demystifying the Allure of False Hope
The Impact of Coercive Control on Children
Christine emphasizes that children are often silent victims of coercive control. They are incredibly perceptive and can sense your anxiety and distress, even if they don’t witness the abuse directly.
She encourages mothers to think about whether they are being the best version of themselves in their current relationship. If the answer is no, it’s a strong indication that something needs to change—for both your sake and your children’s.
It’s heartbreaking to hear stories of children who start mimicking abusive behaviors because they see it as the norm. But remember, you are their saving grace. The time they spend with you in a safe, nurturing environment can make all the difference.
PRACTICAL TIP:
Create safe spaces for your children. Even if it's just a few hours a week where they can be away from the toxic environment, these moments are crucial for their well-being.
Leaving Abusive Marriage: Seek Community and Support
Isolation is a significant challenge for many victims of coercive control. Surround yourself with a strong support network—and expect pushback. That’s why it’s crucial to find therapists who understand coercive control, support groups with other women in similar situations, and reliable friends and family members who can offer emotional support without judgment.
PRACTICAL TIP:
Follow Christine on Instagram for ongoing support and resources. Engaging with others who understand your situation can be incredibly empowering. For more support, follow women’s divorce advocates like Kate Anthony, Michelle Dempsey, and Tracy Coenen. These women provide phenomenal advice and have built wonderful communities full of women just like you. Go and find your people, lovely.
Related: Strategies for Divorcing a Narcissist: 4 Gems from Our Best Divorce Podcast Episode EVER
Final Words of Encouragement
I want to leave you with a message of encouragement. You are not alone. Coercive control can make you feel isolated and powerless, but there are resources and people ready to support you. Remember, you are your children’s anchor, their beacon of hope. Stay strong, stay empowered, and know that you’ve absolutely got this, girlfriend. 💪
Divorcing an emotionally abusive husband? Ready to break free from financial abuse in marriage?
My FREE mini-course, 6 Proven Steps to Advocate for a Fair Divorce Settlement is designed just for you. Learn the strategic steps necessary to protect yourself and your children and gain the confidence to take control of your future.