Trying to keep the peace in your divorce? Stop.
I’m sure it all started with the dream of a life together. A beautiful home, children, a dog...the perfect life envisioned. While no one plans to get divorced, sometimes life just happens and as unsettling as the divorce process may seem, as emotional as it can all get, as committed as you are to making things work after it’s all over, please (I can’t stress this enough) please remember that for now, you are #1.
What does this mean, exactly? It means you need to stop being so nice. It’s simply not a skill you need that benefits you when going through a divorce. I’m not saying you need to be a jerk or lack empathy completely. No, what I’m saying is that your main motivator during the divorce process isn’t being nice or having empathy for your ex, their counsel, or even the judge if your case goes to trial.
Your role isn’t to make everyone like you, or even understand your feelings. Your role and endgame is to act in your best interests and not end up as a sad statistic—your finances declining by 41% after a divorce.
MYTH: if you keep the peace … you’ll keep your relationships intact
Before you stop reading, know that this comes from a place of deep understanding. Women can fall into this “be nice” trap throughout their lives, but especially in high-conflict situations. I have seen women’s household income one year after divorce be only two-thirds of their former husbands and all because they had a desire to avoid conflict or alleviate guilt.
I believe that women continue to be victimized—in business, in relationships, in friendships, and in life—because they can be too nice. They are too nice to stand up for themselves, assert their needs, say no, and leave toxic relationships. It’s almost as if women would rather be seen as accommodating and nice than stand up and protect themselves and their best interests.
Whether you are by nature a people pleaser or simply want to fast-track the divorce process, it’s imperative that you think through the ramifications of any decision you are considering during the divorce process. Failure to do so could result in irreversible long-term financial and personal consequences, and all because you wanted to be nice.
Divorce isn’t the time to give people the benefit of the doubt
Divorce is an emotionally vulnerable time and many women are so emotionally distraught and hurt over why and how their relationship ended up in a divorce, that they aren’t thinking rationally about what the outcome of their divorce means for their future.
While divorce shouldn’t be a fight, don’t overlook the fact that divorce IS a legal battle of sorts. Unless you and your partner are wealthy, you can expect your finances to change after divorce. While men tend to see their incomes rise 30 percent post-divorce, women all too often experience a significant decline in their finances—so much so that 27 percent of separated women fall into the poverty rate.
My goal is to help women take back control of not only their future, but also their energy during the divorce journey. And it starts with making sure they value their own feelings, emotions, and energy first and foremost because I’ve found when those buckets get drained, it makes it really hard to stay focused and take charge.
Conflict is inherent in divorce.
I understand the message women are trying to send and the image they’re trying to promote—they don’t want their soon to be ex (or more likely, the ex’s counsel) to not like them, or think they’re…god forbid…bitchy because they have expectations, needs, and…God forbid…demands.
Numerous studies have shown that the economic costs of divorce fall far more heavily on women than men. Why? Well, statistically, of the 13.6 million single parents in the United States, only 16 percent of those are single dads. As it is, women disproportionately handle childcare in the household. All too often this involves working part-time, delaying career ambitions, or being the designated stay-at-home parent.
In divorce, be sure to ask for what you deserve, especially when children are involved. You don’t want to do anything that sabotages your finances or financial security. So, take things slowly and don’t make the mistake of giving up too much.
Being nice, playing nice, and keeping the peace are excellent qualities, but not when they prevent you from addressing issues, calling out behavior that is wrong, or staying the course on what you’re entitled to financially. You are not invisible. You don’t deserve to be taken advantage of.
You better believe it’s possible to get what you want out of life.
But if you’ve never asserted yourself, you’re going to be uncomfortable. It’s a time to arm yourself with experts and a support system that exists to understand what you’re legally entitled to, what you’ve already invested, and what you need to thrive in your life post-divorce.
Because divorce isn’t a place to do what you’re told, let your ex’s lawyer dictate what you’re entitled to, or back down. It’s a place to get comfortable:
Expressing your own expectations. What do you want? What are you entitled to? You might need someone to tell you, factually, what you are entitled to in order to state what you want.
Feeling uncomfortable. You’re not being overly sensitive; this is hard work. You’re going to confront your own insecurities standing up for yourself and you may have other people in your life that aren’t going to expect you to speak out. Learning how to be authentic and intentional about what you want your life to look like will continue to help you thrive long after your divorce.
Getting the ready support. Don’t expect your lawyer, your ex’s lawyer, or the judge to care about your feelings or opinions. That’s not their role. A therapist, counselor, and network of like-minded women might be what you need in addition to your legal team.
TRUTH: Being assertive and standing up for yourself is THE skill you need to hone
This is what I mean when I say women need to be the queen. I’m not implying or taking an anti-men stance. You don’t have to be anti-men to advocate for women. Finances are historically an area where women need an advocate, which is why Women’s Financial Wellness Center exists. Having a firm awareness of the financial options available will create a deep sense of financial confidence. This is imperative for women considering or going through a divorce.
This takes courage. It also takes self-awareness and skill-building. Not knowing how much the divorce is going to cost you creates additional financial and emotional stress, affecting all aspects of our life. But the right tools and support system will help you succeed now and set you up for success in the future.
Contemplating ending a marriage is giving up not only the reality of the relationship, but also the expectations of what you thought your life would become. Yes, it’s hard. Perhaps one of the hardest things you may ever endure.
I’ve seen the strongest people succumb to less than favorable terms because they just wanted the pain and fighting to stop. I don’t want this to be you. Remember, divorce is temporary. Accepting an unfair settlement that affects you for years is not.
With the right tools and support system at your disposal, you can thrive. Together, we can set you up for every success in your future. So, what do you say? Are you ready to take that first step towards financial security and strategize in your best interests?
BRIDGE™: Your Path to Financial Clarity and a Fair Divorce Settlement
If you’re ready to rewrite the outdated rules of divorce, I invite you to join my signature program, the BRIDGE™ Experience. Inside this transformative program, you’ll:
💪 Unlock financial confidence: No more settling for less. BRIDGE™ empowers you to know your worth and claim it.
🧭 Navigate the divorce battlefield: You're not alone. Our expert team stands by you, ensuring you get what you deserve.
👩❤️👩 Build your squad: Rise above the challenges with a supportive community cheering you on.
Ready to reign over your finances?